Damn You Skinny Alert™: How Jordin Sparks lost 30 lbs.

Publication: People
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to gossip heck, Jordin Sparks! I say "gossip heck" instead of gossip hell because the 21 year old winner of American False Idol in 2006 is on the cover of People and it's about weight loss, which is one of the nicest kinds of gossip, right up there with finding true love, getting married or having a baby.

Meanest Story nominee: James Durbin held a knife to the throat of a child.

Publication: Star
Date: 23 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, James Durbin! The American Idol contestant who was sent home this week is accused by Star of hold a knife to the throat of a child.

Looking online, all I've found out about him is that he was diagnosed with Tourette's and Asperger's, which are major obstacles to overcome.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Steven Tyler: "I'm lucky to be alive."

Publication: People
Date: 9 May 2011

People has an interview with the Steven Tyler. Here are the headlines.

• the Aerosmith wild man on his four kids, eight rehabs and stunning comeback on American (False) Idol.
  
• "I don't ever want to be a bad example again."

He's on that awful show, so he'll always be a bad example of music for me.

On the rocks alert: American False Idol's Pia caught in love triangle.

Publication: Star
Date: 25 April 2011

So there's this girl named Pia on American False Idol who has already been sent packing who is hooking up with another contestant named Stefano and Mark Ballas from Dancing With The Stars, the poor bastard who had to drag Bristol Palin's fat ass around the stage last year.

I cannot add up the amount of "I don't care" I have about this story, and I'm a professional mathematician.