Damn You Fat Alert™:Kirstie Alley packs on the pounds.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

The Enquirer never gets tired of mocking Kirstie Alley for her weight. This week, they say she has an eating disorder and claim she has gained 12 pounds since losing on Dancing With The Stars.

Dancing With The Stars rigged!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 6 June 2011

The Enquirer goes with a cover story saying Dancing With The Stars is rigged this season, and they put pictures of the finalists Kirstie Alley, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane on the cover.

Here's the thing. They said the same thing two months ago and predicted the eventual winner would be Kirstie Alley or Kendra Wilkinson, two names well known to the readers of gossip rags.

Hines Ward won. He's not well known to the gossip world, but he's an athlete. Athletes do really well on this show.

This is exactly the type of story I had in mind when I started this blog, a time when the Enquirer expects that everyone has the attention span of a gnat and it will be ignored that their bold prediction of just two months ago was complete horseshit.

Guess what, Enquirer? I don't have the attention span of a gnat. I publish on the Internet, where nothing ever completely disappears down the memory hole.

The Enquirer prints lies, guesses and nonsense with astonishing regularity. This blog is here to catch the worst cases.

You're welcome. I'm glad to do it.

Backstage gossip from Dancing With The Stars.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 May 2011

Last season, there were a boatload of Dancing With The Stars stories on the covers of the gossip rags, but it's been a little quiet this season so far. Here are the headlines from the story in Us Weekly.

• DWTS Meltdowns! Hookups! Feuds!
• Kendra - backstage tears
• Kirstie - control freak
• Chelsea - Dating LC's ex

The main characters that have been the targets of gossip have been Kendra and Kirstie, but a new name gets added this week, DisneyTeen™ Chelsea Kane. For people over the age of 25 (and for those under that age who actually have lives), LC is short for Lauren Conrad, a reality TV star.

You're welcome.

On the rocks alert: American False Idol's Pia caught in love triangle.

Publication: Star
Date: 25 April 2011

So there's this girl named Pia on American False Idol who has already been sent packing who is hooking up with another contestant named Stefano and Mark Ballas from Dancing With The Stars, the poor bastard who had to drag Bristol Palin's fat ass around the stage last year.

I cannot add up the amount of "I don't care" I have about this story, and I'm a professional mathematician.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Dancing With The Stars beach bodies

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

The Flagship has another cover story featuring women who look like they are being photographed through telephoto lenses, but this week the women actually don't look awful. They have three women from the current season of Dancing With The Stars, stars Kendra Wilkinson and Wendy Williams and dancer Cheryl Burke, shown above. Scanning across the Internets, some people say that this is what she looks like when she's out of shape.

Still looks pretty good to me.

I count this as the first positive story on the cover of the Enquirer since late January.

All the Dancing With The Stars dish for 11 April.

Publications: Globe, In Touch, Star, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 11 April 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter barely acknowledge that American False Idol exists, but they love Dancing With The Stars with all their hearts. This week, there are five stories about the show, most about Kendra Wilkinson and Kirstie Alley, but Wendy Williams also makes an appearance on the cover of Star, as well as passing reference to Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who the gossip rags think is famous enough to just be called Maks. Here are the headlines.

• Globe: 200 lb. Kirstie Alley Heart Attack shocker
  Chilling risk she faces on 'DTWS'
• In Touch: Kendra and Kristie catfight!
  
• OK!: Kirstie & Kendra tell all
• Weekly Life & Style: Kirstie's sexy promise to Maks
• Star: DTWS cover-up
  Extreme surgery
  Cocaine and pills
  Kirstie's secret husband

Dancing With the Stars is rigged this season. Again.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 April 2011

Last season, the low rent Examiner printed a story about everyone's favorite open secret. They said Dancing With The Stars was fixed just because some fat 20 year old girl kept coming back every week when better dancers were sent home.

This season, it's The Flagship that's starting with the rumors early, saying that the winner will either be Kirstie Alley or Kendra Wilkinson.

I don't have a TV and have no intention of watching online, but I will point out that Kirstie and Kendra are the only stars on the show this season who have been mentioned in the tabloids at all in the past year.

Damn You Fat Alert™: 200 lb. Kirstie Alley collapses backstage at Dancing With The Stars.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 March 2011

Get ready for a new spate of Dancing With The Stars stories as the contest begins. This week, the Star tells us that everyone's least favorite fat Scientologist Kirstie Alley collapsed backstage during rehearsals.

I don't watch the show, but I see online that the first episode was last night. The only "stars" in the cast that have previous tabloid appearances are Ms. Alley and Kendra Wilkinson.