Bells are Ringing Alert™: Wedding #3 for Britney.

Publication: Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Britney Spears used to be a staple of American gossip, but her act got a little stale. She gets more cover stories than Jennifer Lopez, for example, though J. Lo has had more coverage since she started working on American False Idol. Neither of them gets as many covers as Camilla Parker-Bowles, who gets to play the wicked stepmother to Wills'N'Kate, our new Prince Charming and his beloved.

In any case, Star says Brit is getting married for the third time. These reports were denied earlier this month.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Britney Spears back in shape

Publications: People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Four magazines weigh in about Britney Spears' new weight, which is a lot of magazines. In recent months, four or more cover stories in the same week have meant either weddings (Wills'N'Kate, Reese Witherspoon) or crap about The Bachelor. In any case, here are the headlines.

• People: Britney backstage Exclusive photos
• OK!: Britney: How I lost 20 lbs.
• Weekly Life & Style: Britney's hot body
  her diet secrets
• National Enquirer: Britney's new body shocker!
  How she really lost 30 lbs. in 40 days

This is a telling example of how the Enquirer maintains its lead as the Meanest Gossip Rag In America.

Britney Spears: My new life.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 April 2011

Us has an exclusive interview with Britney Spears, who will be touring this summer to promote her new record, or is it the other way around? In any case, Us writes "Britney opens up about what she's learned, life with her boys & whether she'll marry again."

You So Crazy Alert™: Britney's strange behavior.

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 April 2011

Two stories about about Britney Spears on the covers of the supermarket rags this week, which is the first time since December. The other unusual thing is that the negative story is in OK!, which is generally the nicest of the gossip mags. Their headline reads "Britney's strange behavior".

Bun In The Oven Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Yet more drama about the ovaries of the rich and famous.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 April 2011

The headline reads BABY DRAMA! and it tells three very different stories.

1. Khloe: heartbroken over not getting pregnant

If you are going to have a multiple baby drama story on the cover of a supermarket rag, it's nearly required one of the stories will be about a Kardashian.

2. Britney: Baby #3 on the way

This story has been denied.

3. Kim Zolciak: Attacked by NeNe, "I fear for my baby"

From what I hear from commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive, NeNe is pretty damned scary.