Bells are Ringing Alert™: All the Kim Kardashian stories for the week.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Like Wills'N'Kate, Kim Kardashian is getting the "at least one story a week" treatment in the supermarket rags before her marriage. Unlike Wills'N'Kate, the date has not been set yet, though the rumors are it will be this summer, which means less than three months away. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: First look at Kim's wedding dress
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding panic!
  Last minute doubts
  family fights
  guest-list snubs
  the dress doesn't fit - 15 lbs. to lose!
  Did she jump into this too soon?

This follows the general pattern of the past few weeks. OK! has had headlines that paint the situation in a positive light, why Weekly Life & Style has been say it's going to be a train wreck.

Let me say this. Kris Humphries is a young millionaire in top physical condition having sex with Kim Kardashian, and I'm starting to feel pity for the guy.

How wrong is that?

Damn You Skinny Alert™ in the future: Kim promises to be a size 2 bride.

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

The rest of the Kardashian family is taking a back seat to Kim now that she's announced she's getting married. OK! says she will be in a size 2 wedding dress.

I know men's suits have extra instructions, like a 42 Long. Is there such a thing as a 2 Wide dress?

Obviously, Kim does not shop off the rack.

Getting the Teen Mom stuff out of the way for 11 July.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Three Teen Mom stories this week, two about the failure named Amber Portwood and one about the relative success named Catelynn Lowell. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Losing Leah: After rehab, Amber fears she'll never see her baby again.
• In Touch: Amber's tears: "My baby doesn't know me"
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Catelynn: College, wedding and babies
  
  

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson to wed in Hawaii.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Back in December, there were a bunch of stories about Jessica Simpson "racing to the altar". Here it is July and the wedding is still yet to come, so it seems like a pretty leisurely "race". The latest detail is the wedding will take place in Hawaii.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Love Bird Alert™ and hussy alert: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Star, In Touch
Date: 11 July 2011

Eventually, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will be together long enough to have a nice picture of them together. As it stands, they are always being photobombed in one way or another. (The person you can see who seems to be annoying them is Jason Sudelkis.)

In any case, there are three stories in the supermaket rags about them this week. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen & Justin Romantic NYC weekend
• In Touch: Justin & Jen talking marriage
• Star: Justin & Jen: his jilted ex speaks out

Ah, the good old predictable Star. No punch bowl is complete unless there's a turd in it.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: More stories about Kim the Bridezilla.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories about bride to be Kim Kardashian this week. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $177,000 registry
• OK! Bigger than the Royals!
  Kim's $10 Million wedding
  The breathtaking gown, the stunning jewels and the surprise no one expected!
  "I've always dreamed of a big wedding"

Point of order. A $10 million wedding is a huge capital outlay, but no way in hell will it match what Wills'N'Kate did.

Just sayin'.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Wedding #3 for Britney.

Publication: Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Britney Spears used to be a staple of American gossip, but her act got a little stale. She gets more cover stories than Jennifer Lopez, for example, though J. Lo has had more coverage since she started working on American False Idol. Neither of them gets as many covers as Camilla Parker-Bowles, who gets to play the wicked stepmother to Wills'N'Kate, our new Prince Charming and his beloved.

In any case, Star says Brit is getting married for the third time. These reports were denied earlier this month.

All this week's news about Kim Kardashian and the wedding.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 27 June 2011

Just in case you are new to this blog and don't understand the pecking order in the supermarket gossip world, here's the basic outline.

The Evil: American Media Inc. (AMI) owns the Enquirer, Star, Globe, National Examiner and Sun. The first four are nasty and the last one is just silly, predicting the end of the world at least four times a year.

The not so evil: The other five supermarket rags are somewhat less nasty. The absolute top of the table is People, and they set trends. The other four, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch and Us Weekly, are eating the scraps from the table that People leaves behind. There is not one single owner for all five of these magazines, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are published by the German consortium Bauer.

People broke the story of Kim Kardashian's engagement in an exclusive. They will likely not mention her again until she walks down the aisle. The other four are all over her large and shapely booty like white on rice. Here are the stories.

• In Touch: Kim & Kris Fight over the wedding
• OK!: Kim sets record straight
  "I did not cheat on Kris"
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding in crisis
  no date set
  invites on hold
• Us Weekly: Kim & Kris :Our love was tested

As often happens, the stories are pointing in multiple different directions. The only thing that can be relied on in a situation like this is that the story is far from over.

Getting the inevitable Teen Mom stuff out of the way yet again.

Publication: OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

Teen Mom, or as i like to call it, The Plague That Did Not Pass Over, gets more ink on the cover of OK! this week. Here are the headlines.

• Maci: I'm finally a bride
  Excited Maci exclaims, "This is the happiest day of my life!"
  Leah gets custody of the twins

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Rob and Kirsten's Twilight wedding.

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 June 2011

Last year, OK! had a seriously delusional person writing their cover copy. Anything that was happening to the characters from Twilight was happening in the lives of the actors. It wasn't Edward and Bella getting married, it was Rob and Kristen. Now at least, they seem to understand the difference between the characters and actors.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Gossip-worthy brides get slim for their big days

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

It's every girl's special day. No, I don't mean the release on DVD of her sex tape, I'm talking about her wedding! And when walking down the aisle, much like on the sex tape, no young woman wants everyone thinking "Damn! She should lay off the cheeseburgers!"

So both Weekly Life & Style and OK! tell us about Kim Kardashian, this week's second biggest star in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter behind Bachelorette Ashley, doing her best to get in porn star shape for that special night when she and her new husband will do whatever they have been doing for the past several months now.

OK! also mentions Jessica Simpson getting trim for her trip down the aisle.

From pictures I've seen recently, she has more work to do than Kim K. does.

I'm cruel, but fair.

(Cash Register) Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Inside Kim's greedy pre-nup.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

The gossip rags are taking a turn against Kim Kardashian this week. Besides positive stories about her getting trim for her wedding, everything else says she's a slut or a gold digger, maybe both. Us Weekly has the details of her greedy pre-nup.

Please! She's the daughter of a Hollywood lawyer. In L.A., "I get everything and you get nothing" is also known as the Standard Opening Negotiating Position.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Teen Mom Laci plans to elope.

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 June 2011

Another story from the Teen Mom locust swarm, this one saying Maci Bookout will elope.

This is the second most popular reality TV show among The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this year, with only Dancing With The Stars, currently between seasons, getting more weeks of exposure. The good news, if I can call it that, is that the show is mainly being followed by two magazines, OK! and In Touch. In the unlikely event of the editors at those two magazines losing interest in this crap, this plague might finally pass over.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy news.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

After People's big scoop last week of announcing the official engagement of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, a passel of the non-AMI tabloids have jumped on the bandwagon this week. In fact, only Us Weekly declined to join in on the fun. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Kim's bridezilla demands
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $3 million summer wedding
• OK!: Kim's wedding surprise
  I'm having a baby!
  She reveals her big news to family and friends.
  An overjoyed Kim says, "I can't stop crying"

Kim has already denied the pregnancy rumor.

Note: The picture of Kim in the wedding dress is from last year when she was engaged to Reggie Bush. She was trying on her mom's old dress.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™?:Brad hints at marriage.

Publications: People, OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Brad Pitt has said in a recent interview that the most famous couple in the gossip world might get married. Here's the headlines from this week's supermarket rags.

• People: Brad says, "We might marry"
• OK!: BrAngelina getting married

Do you notice the subtle difference? I thought you might.

Scoop of the week:People has an exclusive interview with Kim Kardashian and her new fiance Kris Humphries.

Publication: People
Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on... Wednesdays? Yes, People has the real deal on the cover, the exclusive story of how Kris Humphries proposed to Kim Kardashian. There have been plenty of stories in the supermarket rags before about the state of their romance, but the big difference between People and the rest of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter is that People doesn't publish idle speculation. (Planted crap, yes. Idle speculation, no.)

You should be able to read the headline in this cropped version of the cover this week. Back in April, Weekly Life & Style said he got her a 10 carat ring "just like Liz Taylor's". As you can see from this version, they were off by about a factor of two.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson's $1 million wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 30 May 2011

In Touch lets us know that Jessica Simpson is planning to have a wedding that will cost $1,000,000. That sounds like a lot, but her clothing line has been generating $1 billion in sales a year and her net worth is in the $100 million range, so this little shindig will not be putting her in the poorhouse.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Paul McCartney engaged to Nancy Shevell.

Publication: People
Date: 23 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! People reports on the engagement of Paul McCartney to New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell. He's 68, she's 51. The Sophisticated French Rule of half your age plus seven means Sir Paul could be dating a 41 year old and get away with it. Furthermore, Ms. Shevell has a good relationship with Paul's grown children and is older than his oldest daughter Stella. They have been dating four years, which means he met her during the times he was getting a divorce from psycho bitch Heather Mills.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Two famous women get engaged! No, not to each other.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 16 May 2011

It's been a slow week in the supermarket rags. I haven't been able to find a copy of this week's low rent Examiner anywhere, the Sun was completely lame as was the Weekly World News, and the number of stories about Wills'N'Kate pushed other gossip off the covers.

Also, we get two engagements of women who have nothing to do with each other lumped into a single story.

Kate and Kristin.

I know what you're asking? Kate who?

This time it's Kate Hudson, who has never, ever been important enough to be known just by her first name in the gossip world.

A year ago, Kate meant Kate Gosselin. Now, it means Kate Middleton. Tabloid headline writers, please take note.

And the other one is Kristin Cavallari. There are boatloads of Kristens and Kirstens and Kirsties in the gossip world right now. Technically, the only other Kristin with two "i"s is Kristin Davis of the Sex and the City series, but she has only had one mention in sixteen months, so Kristin Cavallari kinda sorta deserves the first name basis, since this is her sixth cover story.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Stories about Wills'N'Kate's wedding.

Publications: People, OK!, Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 16 May 2011

This was a week when several things happened that we will remember for a long time, but the most obviously gossipy event was the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The low rent Examiner didn't show up on the racks at my local newsstand this week, so I'll just have to hope it shows up later, but from what I've seen, the dogs in the AMI kennel left the story alone completely or use the event to highlight supporting characters. Here are the headlines from the five magazines that focused on Wills'N'Kate.

• People: William and Catherine Love Reigns!
  72-Page Royal Wedding Album
• OK!: William & Kate: Happily ever after
• In Touch:Secrets of the $60 million wedding
• Weekly Life & Style: Honeymoon on hold Baby on the way
• Us Weekly: Kate's Fairy Tale Wedding
  all the stunning photos
  Will's sweet words at the altar
  behind the scenes with Harry & Pippa
  Inside the private parties

It's too early to tell, but if a new gossip star is born from all this, it could be Kate's sister Pippa.