Damn You Skinny Alert™: How Khloe lost 10 lbs.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 July 2011

Yet again, Khloe Kardashian makes the cover of a supermarket rag for losing ten pounds. The last time was in April 2010. Most of the stories in the past six months for Khloe have been pregnancy rumors, all so far unfounded.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kardashians ripped apart by off-camera scandals!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 July 2011

Kourtney and Khloe have been nearly forgotten by the supermarket rags for awhile, even before Kim announced her wedding and sucked all the air out of the room. But this week, Star puts all three on the cover with plenty of dish to go around. Here are the headlines.

• New sex tape
• Custody battle
• Secret pregnancy
• Plus: the truth about their plastic surgery

The custody battle would have to be Kourtney, since she's the only one who has a kid, but the other stories could be about any of the three. You'll have to buy the magazine yourself to find out, since I don't open them up on general principles.

Buns in the oven alert™: Fresh horses for my men and babies for all the Kardashians!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

Weekly Life & Style gives most of the cover to all three Kardashian sisters. While Kim is getting married and thereby sucking up most of the oxygen out of the room, Weekly Life & Style tells us the other two are pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Fertility doctor makes Khloe's baby dream come true
• Kourtney: Another baby before her wedding!
  
  

Best wishes to all concerned, with a proviso that every female Kardashian above the age of consent and younger than the age of menopause has allegedly been pregnant several times in the past eighteen months.

Bad dad alert: Khloe is stunned by Lamar's baby secret.

Publication: OK!

Date: 6 June 2011

There's one story each for the Kardashian sisters this week on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. OK! says that Lamar is hiding some baby secret and Khloe is stunned. On their website, it is revealed that Lamar already has kids and he hasn't been the perfect dad to them.

Bad mom alert: Mom torments Kardashian sisters over their bodies.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 23 May 2011

In Touch calls out Kris Jenner as a nasty beeyotch ruining the lives of her daughters. Here are the details.

• Kourtney pressured to get Botox to erase crow's-feet
• Khloe delays baby plans for lip after Kris calls her 'fat'
• Kim agrees to a super-sized butt implant to stay famous

Doesn't being famous sound like super fun?

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Khloe bullied for being fat YET AGAIN.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 9 May 2011

Yet again, Khloe, the Baby Huey of the Kardashian clan, has a cover story about her weight. here are the headlines.

• Khloe tells Us
• Tortured for her weight
• After her mom calls her fat, Khloe opens us about her lifelong struggle and how Lamar makes her feel sexy

While this may not seem relevant to the Kardashian family, Khloe is the only daughter who is actually married and whose male companion does not seem like a complete douchebag.

This puts her a few points ahead of her petite but huge hootered sisters.

On the rocks alert: The honeymoon is over for Khloe and Lamar.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 25 April 2011

More bad news for the Kardashian women. Khloe Kardashian, the only one of the sisters who is happily married to a seeming nice guy, Laker Lamar Odom, is actually going through a rough patch in her marriage. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Appointments for sex
• Lamar's meddling ex
• Khloe in tears

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, we hope these crazy kids work it out.

Bun In The Oven Alert™: Reese and Khloe's pregnancy news

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 April 2011

Once again, OK! shows itself to be positive and unreliable, putting stories about "pregnancy news" on the cover about women who have not said they are pregnant, but that they would like to be pregnant.

Reese Witherspoon would like to have a kid with her new husband. She is not currently pregnant.

Khloe Kardashian would like to have a child with Lamar Odom. She is not currently pregnant.

You're welcome.

Bun In The Oven Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Yet more drama about the ovaries of the rich and famous.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 April 2011

The headline reads BABY DRAMA! and it tells three very different stories.

1. Khloe: heartbroken over not getting pregnant

If you are going to have a multiple baby drama story on the cover of a supermarket rag, it's nearly required one of the stories will be about a Kardashian.

2. Britney: Baby #3 on the way

This story has been denied.

3. Kim Zolciak: Attacked by NeNe, "I fear for my baby"

From what I hear from commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive, NeNe is pretty damned scary.