Bells are Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson to wed in Hawaii.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Back in December, there were a bunch of stories about Jessica Simpson "racing to the altar". Here it is July and the wedding is still yet to come, so it seems like a pretty leisurely "race". The latest detail is the wedding will take place in Hawaii.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Gossip-worthy brides get slim for their big days

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

It's every girl's special day. No, I don't mean the release on DVD of her sex tape, I'm talking about her wedding! And when walking down the aisle, much like on the sex tape, no young woman wants everyone thinking "Damn! She should lay off the cheeseburgers!"

So both Weekly Life & Style and OK! tell us about Kim Kardashian, this week's second biggest star in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter behind Bachelorette Ashley, doing her best to get in porn star shape for that special night when she and her new husband will do whatever they have been doing for the past several months now.

OK! also mentions Jessica Simpson getting trim for her trip down the aisle.

From pictures I've seen recently, she has more work to do than Kim K. does.

I'm cruel, but fair.

Damn You Fat Alert™: Jessica Simpson drunk and crying over her weight.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 30 May 2011

Two very different stories about Jessica Simpson in the tabs this week. Star says she's upset over her weight, and gets drunk and weepy about it.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson's $1 million wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 30 May 2011

In Touch lets us know that Jessica Simpson is planning to have a wedding that will cost $1,000,000. That sounds like a lot, but her clothing line has been generating $1 billion in sales a year and her net worth is in the $100 million range, so this little shindig will not be putting her in the poorhouse.

Annoying label bookkeeping #4