On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2011

In American gossip, the Queen Bitch is Angelina Jolie. In Brit gossip, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. She is always scheming or collapsing over some setback or saying something nasty about someone. Here in the States, almost all these stories are in the Globe or the low rent Examiner.

For the third time in a year and a half, we have a story that Charles and Camilla have already divorced. Here are the details this time.

• Camilla & Charles It's Over!
• The final bust-up
• Their $300 million divorce
• Fighting in public June 11, 2011

A year ago, the settlement was $250 million, so obviously it's been a profitable year for the royals.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Princess Kate's revenge on backstabbing Camilla.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

Today, we catch up on the folks who are in the top ten for number of stories in 2011. The Globe tells us Princess Katherine has taken off the tiara and is checking out how much damage she can do with the scepter. According to this story, she's told father-in-law Charles to divorce Camilla and William has a "shocking reaction".

Mending fences alert: William asks queen not to skip over his dad.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 May 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner have been the source for the stories about the order of succession to the British crown, with a bunch of headlines saying old Liz Windsor is going to pass over her first born son and give the crown to the cute kid. In history, skipping in line for the crown without murder or madness or other unpleasantness is really rare.

In any case, the low rent Examiner says Wills is a nice kid and went to bat for his dad, telling his gran that being skipped over would kill him. The take of the low rent Examiner on this is that evil Camilla wins.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bitter Camilla collapses!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

The Globe covered the Royal Wedding, which is no surprise given how many Brits are currently running the American tabloid industry these days. The difference is that they took this opportunity to once again trash Queen Beeyotch herself, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• "Now I'll NEVER be queen!" she sobs
• free souvenir pullout

I'm not exactly sure how many people want a free souvenir pullout of Camilla Parker-Bowles sobbing, but then again, I'm not sure who buys the Globe.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: William's bride rips into Camilla!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe, the royal wedding that is coming up next Friday is not about the future of the British monarchy, but the start of a battle royale to see who will become Queen Bitch. Camilla Parker-Bowles may appear to already have the title sewn up, but the younger and prettier soon to be Princess Katherine is showing some spunk. According to the Globe, Kate recently told Camilla "You got rid of Diana, but you won't get rid of me!"

Oh, snap. Oh, no you din't!

It's on like Donkey Kong.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: The rest of the Wills'N'Kate stuff for the week

Publications: People, OK!, National Examiner, In Touch, Globe
Date: 25 April 2011

The royal wedding is just weeks away and the gossip rags are ramping up. A total of six stories this week, including one nominated for Meanest Story of the Week. Here are the other four.

• People: 10 page royal wedding guide (No artwork on cover. Boring.)
  
• Globe: Wills'N'Kate's Shocking blowup - on eve of wedding (It's been done. Boring.)
• National Examiner: Camilla's evil plot to ruin royal wedding
  William rushes to Kate's rescue! (Because of the rescue angle, not nominated for Meanest Story)
• In Touch: Wills'N'Kate ready for baby! (Same idea as the Star's Meanest Story nomination, just not as mean.)
  
• OK!: The latest on the Royal Wedding. [Guess what? OK!'s invited!] (The editorial staff at OK! are nice in a way that reeks of desperation.)

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, we wish the happy couple all the best.

Meanest Story nominee: Camilla calls her future step-daughter in law "Kate Simpleton".

Publication: Star
Date: 11 April 2011

Once again, the supermarket rags want us to believe that the remarkably ugly Camilla Parker-Bowles is even uglier deep down where it really counts, and I for one believe them. According to the Star, her nickname for her future step-daughter in law and future Queen of England is Kate Simpleton.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Wills'N'Kate wedding disaster!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Way back in late November, OK! printed a story about the upcoming royal wedding and blared on the cover that they were "The Official Magazine of the Royal Wedding". I write this now because I doubted that title from the very beginning and would like to point out that OK! had one speculative story about Kate's wedding dress in December and no other mentions of the couple in four months since.

The real reason that Wills'N'Kate are one of the biggest gossip stories of early 2011 is the Globe, nearly the exact opposite of OK!. OK! is the most friendly American gossip rag, while the Globe runs neck and neck with her sister publication the Enquirer as the nastiest. True to form, the Globe prints yet another story about what a nightmare the upcoming royal wedding will be. Here are this week's details.

• sex scandal explodes
• shocking rehab drama
  
• Camilla's ugly fight with bride
  

Stay classy, Globe!