Sarah Palin's dark secret.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

I'm sure Sarah Palin sees the supermarket rags as just another part of the "lamestream media". While she is not one of the top ten celebrities of 2011 or the past year and a half, she does get a lot of mentions, almost all of them negative stories in the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner. For anyone who thinks this is an example of "left wing media bias", Barack and Michelle Obama are in the same situation, with Barack being mentioned much more often than Sarah and Michelle being mentioned somewhat less often.

This week, it's the low rent Examiner saying she has a dark secret, with the sub-headline "What she's hiding from America".

Meanest story nominee: Glen Campbell's final battle

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

The news of Glen Campbell's Alzheimer's diagnosis is two weeks old now, first put on the cover by the National Enquirer, but the low rent Examiner decides to re-hash the story and call it Campbell's "final battle", so I'm giving this the "Not Long 4 This World" label, even though the mentally debilitating disease does not necessarily mean a shorter life, just a much less pleasant one. In this "exclusive", the low rent Examiner promises to give the "tragic reason behind shocking Alzheimer's confession".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Goldie Hawn trashed by her ex-husband

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

It sometimes feels like there are only two choices in the gossip rags. News about reality TV stars who have never done anything interesting in their entire lives or the Hey Old Timer gossip about people whose best work is twenty to thirty years in the past.

As little as I like the low rent Examiner, at least they aren't yapping about Teen Mom and such all the time. Instead, they re listening to some ex-husband of Goldie Hawn's who has an axe to grind, blabbing about whatever sex and drugs she did back in the day.

Kate's heart scare! William battles to save her.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The low rent Examiner wants us to believe that Princess Catherine's life is in danger and Wiliam is dashing to her rescue.

The truly hard thing to believe here is that the low rent Examiner has any inside information at all.

Aretha's lost love.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The low rent Examiner says Miss Aretha Franklin has a lost love. Given that she is pushing 70, it would be almost impossible for her NOT to have a lost love at least once in her life. While this can't count as a positive story, at least the vultures of the press are not telling us she is near death, which is good news for everybody.

Meanest story nominee: Miss Doris Day's dying wish!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The season has recently changed so it must be time for our quarterly "Doris Day is dying!" alert. The Globe had three of these stories last year and now the low rent Examiner publishes its second this year. (Once this year, Miss Day was comforting a dying James Garner instead of dying herself.) They add the detail that there is a tragic secret she is keeping from her fans.

In terms of repeated warnings, Miss Doris Day is far behind the treatment the vultures of the gutter press gave Miss Elizabeth Taylor, but slightly ahead of the number of times we've been told Billy Graham is soon to meet his maker.

Best wishes to Miss Day, her family, friends and pets.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Two instances of bad blood among celebrities.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner has two sets of pictures of people who just don't like each other. First set of combatants are Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart. Their animosity has been tabloid fodder before this.

And welcome to gossip hell, Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior. The supermarket rags have left Hulk alone, though other gossip sources online have mocked him mercilessly for marrying a woman that looks waaaay too much like his daughter. This story is more about the Ultimate Warrior talking trash about what Hulk did when people actually cared about either of them.

Rich people are rich: Ellen's $60 million estate.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

While she is no longer on American False Idol, Ellen DeGeneres is still on daytime TV, which means she is of interest to the low rent Examiner's target demographic. Of all the homes mention in the category "Rich People Are Rich" in the last year and a half, this is the most expensive price on a house by at least a factor of two.

Meanest Story nominee: Trashing Miss Elizabeth Taylor one more time.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner, very fond of Hey Old Timer Gossip, drags the names of four dead people through the mud this week, though the main target of the mudslinging is Miss Elizabeth Taylor, the freshest of the corpses they decided to kick.

First, they say Miss Taylor had a steamy affair with John F. Kennedy.

I'm not completely buying this. Miss Taylor was definitely an "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it" kind of gal.

They also peddle the story that she had a war with Grace Kelly over Prince Rainier.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Loretta Lynn prepares to die!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner is trying to kill off Miss Loretta Lynn once again. The detail they add is a "$10 million promise to her kids".

Sounds like a will. Miss Loretta is now 79 years old and has been very successful, so it only makes sense she has a will. It does not mean she will die soon.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

On the rocks alert: Bill O'Reilly divorce scandal.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

The low rent Examiner is the only gossip rag that thinks its readers want to hear about Bill O'Reilly. The headline may be another bait and switch and Mr. O'Reilly marriage may be just fine. Personally, I don't care much one way or the other.

Meanest Story nominee: Five MORE celebs get the Sad Last Days treatment.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

The low rent Examiner had their usual big cover page to fill and their typical lack of actual reporters to find stories, so they just picked five names of celebrities who have been famous a very long time and report to us that they are on their last legs. Four of these actors are new to the Brave Last Days treatment, one is a repeat customer.

New to the list is Maureen O'Hara, still the gold standard when it comes to red-headed fabulosity in Hollywood.


Also new is Peter Falk.

UPDATE: Peter Falk died a week after this story appeared on Friday, June 24, 2011.


Jack Klugman hasn't looked or sounded very good for a while, but he's still with us.


Angela Lansbury has been mentioned in the tabs over the past two years, but this is the first report of her imminent demise.


And last on the list is James Garner. This is the third time the tabloids have said he was gonna die in the past two years, the first time back in May of 2010.

Best wishes to all the stars, their family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

DNA proves who is Prince Harry's real father!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to 21st Century American gossip hell, James Hewitt! The low rent Examiner re-hashes a story that has been forwarded many times, especially in Great Britain, that Prince Harry, the cheeky young prince that doesn't look much like anybody on either side of his family tree, is the son of James Hewitt. Hewitt's more than a little squidgy now, but in the picture shown here of him as a young man, was a dashing fellow with a great head of ginger hair, not unlike the cheeky young prince.

Win Shirley MacLaine's movie jewelry!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 20 June 2011

A few of the supermarket rags, notably the Sun and the low rent Examiner, will mention they have some prize giveaway every few weeks. They usually mention the value but not the objects, and I usually ignore these when putting up the headlines. This week, the low rent Examiner mentions that the prize is jewelry Shirley MacLaine wore in some movie - probably not this particular string of pearls - and the mention of an actual celebrity makes it worth repeating in this blog about celebrities.

Bad mom alert: Chaz Bono offers Angelina help with Shiloh

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2o June 2011

The low rent Examiner has a story about Angelina Jolie raising Shiloh as a boy and Chaz Bono says he can help. This is a complete re-hash of a story in OK! last month. Last year, there were a passel of stories about Shiloh's tomboy ways.

I just know what I read in these silly magazines and I don't believe half of that. If Angelina sticks to her decision to leave Chaz Bono the hell out of her parenting process, this is a move full of win, as the young people are fond of saying.

You So Crazy Alert™: Roseanne admits "I'm crazy!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 21 June 2011

The low rent Examiner has Roseanne on the cover this week, a celebrity who has been completely out of the gossip spotlight for many years. Her claim to gossip-worthiness, at least the low rent Examiner's version of worthiness, is an interview in which she admits she's crazy, a revelation labeled as "shocking".

In other shocking news, water is wet and gravity works best in the downward direction when you are standing on some given planet.

Meanest Story nominee: Whitney Houston dying!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 20 June 2011

Way back last June, the Enquirer wrote that Whitney Houston would be dead "within months". Back then, it was all about the drugs. This week, the low rent Examiner says she is dying, but says the cause will be a lung disease she has contracted. They also mention she is in rehab for the fourth time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: George Jones' botox secret!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

The low rent Examiner thinks its target audience wants to hear bad things about the silver throated country legend, George "No Show" Jones, so it leads with a titillating headline about his use of Botox.

With all he's put his body through, he's lucky that he can use anything this side of embalming fluid to still look good.

On the rocks alert: Clinton marriage crisis

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

There was a time when the Clinton marriage was prime tabloid fodder, but those days are long gone. This is only the second report of a Bill and Hillary Clinton marriage crisis is about a year and a half, and both reports have been in the low rent Examiner. The story says has Hillary packed on 50 lbs. after Bill threatened divorce.

Stay classy, low rent Examiner.

Jane Seymour says Arnold has two more love children.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

In what may be the lowest blow yet delivered, the chronicling of Arnold Schwarzenegger's scumbaggery has now migrated to the low rent Examiner, who says the former California governor has two more love children.

Who is the source of this unconfirmed but not ultra surprising news?

Welcome to gossip hell, Jane Seymour! How would the actress and jewelry designer know about Arnold's private life?

I have no friggin' idea. They have never been in a single project together. She is a reliable source only if we accept the idea that all famous people know each other.