Caylee's real daddy!

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

The Globe has a story promising to tell the identity of the father of murdered child Caylee Anthony.

Wills'N'Kate in The New World.

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Now that the young royals are on this side of the Atlantic, the American gossip rags are all over the story. People mentioned only Kate, but three other mags mentioned the couple. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kate & William American Vacation album
• Globe: William & Kate baby drama
  Too thin royal bride's secret visit to a U.S. fertility clinic -Palace insiders reveal
• Us Weekly: Kate & Will's photo diary
  Secrets of the Royal Visits
  Kate brought 40 outfits!
  Their intimate date - in a log cabin
  She's talking about a baby!

The Globe can't help but be negative, while all the rest of the coverage has been glowing.

Stay classy, Globe!

Meanest story nominee: Maria Shriver collapses.

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

According to the Globe, Maria Shriver collapsed just days before signing the divorce papers. Technically, she has filed for divorce, but most people use the phrase "divorce papers" to signify the finalization contract that both parties are compelled to sign.

In any case, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Soap fans attack Oprah!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

The Globe promises to tell why soap opera fans are furious with the Queen of Daytime TV. It probably has something to do with changing demographics and the relative costs of production of talk shows vs. daytime dramas.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Hulk Hogan's ex-wife writes a tell all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Hulk Hogan has had a reality TV show for a while now, but in 2010 had no appearances on the covers of the supermarket rags. Now he's on his second cover in as many weeks, this time because his ex-wife Linda has written that favorite thing in the gossip world, the "tell all book". The Globe says it's full of sex, drugs and lies, and for once, I believe them. She's exactly the kind of person who would write a tell all book.

For example, there was a story a year ago claiming a tell all book from Tipper Gore would send Al to jail. Tipper is exactly the kind of person NOT to write a tell all book.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle storms out!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

If we were to accept the word from the AMI kennel, Michelle Obama is constantly in a raging bad mood, the American equivalent of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• Hates life in the White House
• Shocking fights with Prez
  

On their website, they add the detail that she is moving out and taking the girls back to Chicago with her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Farewell Peter Falk.

Publications: People, Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Peter Falk died last Friday, which gives the Only Ten Magazines That Matter plenty of time to consider whether to put him on the cover or not. People did something tasteful and the Globe didn't.

Quelle surprise.

Here are the headlines.

• People: Farewell Peter Falk
• Globe: Peter Falk - Tragic death secret
  Torment & hatred that drove Columbo star to his grave

Best wishes to the family and friends of Peter Falk, from a fan.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Fans wage war to save the soaps!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

The Globe has yet another story without cover art. This time it's "Breaking News!" that the fans of soap operas are trying to save the canceled shows.

There is no cover art, so I don't include a picture here either.

Bun in the oven alert™?: Joran van der Sloot gets a girl pregnant in jail!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

The last Joran van der Sloot update was back in April, but this week the Globe tells us her has gotten a girl pregnant while in jail in Peru. They also identify his as "Natalee's killer", a reasonable assumption but not a thing ever proved in court.

The Globe is proud that this is a "world exclusive". Of course, when you make stuff up, it's easier to have world exclusives.

On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2011

In American gossip, the Queen Bitch is Angelina Jolie. In Brit gossip, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. She is always scheming or collapsing over some setback or saying something nasty about someone. Here in the States, almost all these stories are in the Globe or the low rent Examiner.

For the third time in a year and a half, we have a story that Charles and Camilla have already divorced. Here are the details this time.

• Camilla & Charles It's Over!
• The final bust-up
• Their $300 million divorce
• Fighting in public June 11, 2011

A year ago, the settlement was $250 million, so obviously it's been a profitable year for the royals.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? What Diana would look like at 50.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

A lot of the American supermarket gossip rags are run by Brits who think we are WAY more interested in British royalty than we actually are. Somebody has decided to use some age advancement software on pictures of Princess Diana to give an idea of what she would look like now at the age of 50.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin love child scandal!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

Once again, an AMI scandal sheet is spreading rumors about Sarah Palin, saying she is involved in a love child scandal.

First off, d'uh! Her grandkid is a love child. Bristol gave birth and didn't get married, remember?

I'm assuming the only way it could be a scandal is if there is another baby on the way, but if that's the case, it's damned unlikely the "love child" will belong to Sarah, even though she is the only one named in the story. I assume they are talking about Todd fathering a kid, but I didn't open the magazine to find out.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Barry Manilow's plastic surgery disaster!

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Barry Manilow! Technically, he should not count as Hey Old Timer Gossip since he was not a nationally known hitmaker until after I graduated high school, but when I was in high school, he was writing jingles and working for Bette Midler, so he was well on his way.

Barry's in his late sixties now, so his story is going to be in the Globe (or the low rent Examiner) and like most people his age in the gossip rags, the story is about plastic surgery gone wrong.

All this week's news about Wills'N'Kate

Publications: Globe, People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

The Royal Couple are still a hot topic in the gossip rags, and they will probably stay that way as long as Kate is pretty, which could be quite a while. Here are the positive headlines.

People: The Princess Diaries
In her new role as duchess and wife, Kate dazzles the world with her real-girl glamour. Plus the couple pick a palace.

Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate: Inside their palace

But since every punch bowl is just another urinal to the dogs in the AMI kennel, here's the Globe's take on the situation.

Globe: As pressure mounts for Royal baby…
William's wife snaps!
Kate: "Now I know how Diana felt"
Secret letters hide shocking torment

Man Slut Alert: More on the Arnold unpleasantness.

Publications: Globe, National Enquirer
Date: 27 June 2011

The only magazines currently still interested in Arnold Schwarzenegger's cheating ass are the Enquirer and the Globe, so as you can imagine, there isn't a whole lot of forgiveness in the stories. Here are the headlines.

• National Enquirer: Arnold's mistress breaks her silence
  Secret about their love child
  Her confession to Maria "I cried and dropped to my knees!"
• Globe: Cheating Arnold begs Maria: Take me back!
  She tells him: Go to hell!

The Enquirer has a picture of Mildred Baena and her son Joseph.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin falls for married man!

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 June 2011

Early in the year, the AMI kennel had several stories that said Todd Palin couldn't keep it in his pants. They have said the Palins were getting divorced several times as well. This is the first time they have gone with the story that Sarah may have a roving eye.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Man Slut Alert: Bill Clinton caught with lingerie model.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

The Globe publishes a picture of Bill Clinton sitting next to a woman at what appears to be a conference and then a picture of her modeling lingerie, though it may not be a recent picture.

I guess if I had the choice of being portrayed as a walking corpse or a horn dog, I'd take the latter. Since his hospitalization early last year, there have been about twice as many stories about him being near death as there have been stories about him being near some honey who isn't his wife.

She Fought The Law Alert™: Casey Anthony's drunken party!

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

While several gossip rags have had stories about the murder trial now taking place in Florida, the Globe is by far the most invested in the story. They have photos from a drunken party they say took place just four days after the little girl was murdered.

Let's recall that the National Enquirer had a headline to the effect Casey Anthony will walk free. The trial isn't over yet, but this looks like as bad a prediction as has been made all year, and I'm including Dr. Harold Camping.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Secret James Arness took with him to the grave.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! James Arness died last Wednesday, and not surprisingly, one of the rags specializing in Hey Old Timer Gossip has to tell us about a secret he took to the grave.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: A "Where Are They Now?" for 50s and 60s rockers.

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Globe puts a mess of old rock and rollers on the cover and in no way assumes that any of them are one step from the grave. They have pictures of Bobby Rydell, Chuck Berry, Brenda Lee and a "guess who?" of a "rockin' grandma" who is pretty obviously Grace Slick. The meanest part of this generally not mean nostalgia is bringing up the comfy shoe orientation of Leslie Gore, a fact she confirmed in 2005, though people who read the Globe may not have heard the news just yet.

Hey! It's her party and she'll cry if she wants to!

You would cry, too, if it happened to you.