Hey Old Timer Gossip: Goldie Hawn trashed by her ex-husband

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

It sometimes feels like there are only two choices in the gossip rags. News about reality TV stars who have never done anything interesting in their entire lives or the Hey Old Timer gossip about people whose best work is twenty to thirty years in the past.

As little as I like the low rent Examiner, at least they aren't yapping about Teen Mom and such all the time. Instead, they re listening to some ex-husband of Goldie Hawn's who has an axe to grind, blabbing about whatever sex and drugs she did back in the day.

And the camera noses in to the tears on his face: Glen Campbell diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 July 2011

The National Enquirer has published a front page story that singer Glen Campbell, 75, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. They add the detail that he sobbed when he heard the news.

To be honest, if I was in his situation, I'd cry, too.

Campbell actually broke the news in an interview with People, but the Enquirer was the first to put him on the cover.

Best wishes to Mr. Campbell, his friends and family, from a fan.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Ryan found with Farrah's missing $30 million painting!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 4 July 2011

Star is claiming an exclusive about a story already printed by other news outlets, that Ryan O'Neal was caught with an Andy Warhol painting of Farrah Fawcett, currently valued at $30 million.

Farrah left her entire art collection to the University of Texas, but the Warhol had been missing. A film crew in O'Neal's house showed that the picture was prominently displayed, so mystery solved.

Meanest Story nominee: Trashing Miss Elizabeth Taylor one more time.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner, very fond of Hey Old Timer Gossip, drags the names of four dead people through the mud this week, though the main target of the mudslinging is Miss Elizabeth Taylor, the freshest of the corpses they decided to kick.

First, they say Miss Taylor had a steamy affair with John F. Kennedy.

I'm not completely buying this. Miss Taylor was definitely an "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it" kind of gal.

They also peddle the story that she had a war with Grace Kelly over Prince Rainier.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Barry Manilow's plastic surgery disaster!

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Barry Manilow! Technically, he should not count as Hey Old Timer Gossip since he was not a nationally known hitmaker until after I graduated high school, but when I was in high school, he was writing jingles and working for Bette Midler, so he was well on his way.

Barry's in his late sixties now, so his story is going to be in the Globe (or the low rent Examiner) and like most people his age in the gossip rags, the story is about plastic surgery gone wrong.

Meanest Story nominee: Five MORE celebs get the Sad Last Days treatment.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

The low rent Examiner had their usual big cover page to fill and their typical lack of actual reporters to find stories, so they just picked five names of celebrities who have been famous a very long time and report to us that they are on their last legs. Four of these actors are new to the Brave Last Days treatment, one is a repeat customer.

New to the list is Maureen O'Hara, still the gold standard when it comes to red-headed fabulosity in Hollywood.


Also new is Peter Falk.

UPDATE: Peter Falk died a week after this story appeared on Friday, June 24, 2011.


Jack Klugman hasn't looked or sounded very good for a while, but he's still with us.


Angela Lansbury has been mentioned in the tabs over the past two years, but this is the first report of her imminent demise.


And last on the list is James Garner. This is the third time the tabloids have said he was gonna die in the past two years, the first time back in May of 2010.

Best wishes to all the stars, their family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Four prophecies for 2011!

Publication: Sun
Date: 20 June 2011

The Sun gives us four prophecies for 2011, but none of them involve the End of the World or even so much as a plague or terrorist attack. Still, they have expiration dates, so they can be tested for accuracy.

Hillary Clinton is going to announce a run for the presidency.

Miss Betty White will buy a baseball team and they will win the World Series.

NASA files reveal why JFK really died.

(Did the shot come from outer space?)

And a weeping statue predicts Billy Graham's last days.

By the end of the year, I will report back on all these predictions.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Secret James Arness took with him to the grave.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! James Arness died last Wednesday, and not surprisingly, one of the rags specializing in Hey Old Timer Gossip has to tell us about a secret he took to the grave.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: A "Where Are They Now?" for 50s and 60s rockers.

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Globe puts a mess of old rock and rollers on the cover and in no way assumes that any of them are one step from the grave. They have pictures of Bobby Rydell, Chuck Berry, Brenda Lee and a "guess who?" of a "rockin' grandma" who is pretty obviously Grace Slick. The meanest part of this generally not mean nostalgia is bringing up the comfy shoe orientation of Leslie Gore, a fact she confirmed in 2005, though people who read the Globe may not have heard the news just yet.

Hey! It's her party and she'll cry if she wants to!

You would cry, too, if it happened to you.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: George Jones' botox secret!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

The low rent Examiner thinks its target audience wants to hear bad things about the silver throated country legend, George "No Show" Jones, so it leads with a titillating headline about his use of Botox.

With all he's put his body through, he's lucky that he can use anything this side of embalming fluid to still look good.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Plastic surgery shockers!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 June 2011

The Enquirer once again smacks women around for the sin of getting old and blames plastic surgeons. The targets this time around are Cher, Goldie Hawn, Courtney Love, Lara Flynn Boyle, Tina Louise and Maria Shriver. There were also three "Guess who?" sets of boobs, but that would mean opening the magazine.

As much as I like boobs, it wasn't temptation enough.

Meanest Story nominee: Secret autopsy reveals foul play in the death of Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

It's been two months since Miss Elizabeth Taylor died, but she is still one of the most popular gossip topics of 2011 for The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. The Globe is re-hashing the story that foul play might have been involved in her death, this time telling us there was a "secret autopsy".

Best wishes as always to the family and friends of Miss Taylor, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Dolly Parton hides secret son.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 6 June 2011

The low rent Examiner believes its public wants to hear bad things about Miss Dolly Parton.

Personally, I don't want to hear bad things about Miss Dolly Parton and the disapproving rabbit does not want to hear them either.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the week.

Meanest Story nominee: Billy Graham goes home to die.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 6 June 2011

The low rent Examiner tries to kill off evangelist Billy Graham one more time. The 92 year old preacher was hospitalized this month, but he recovered and was sent home. The most despicable and desperate gossip rag says it was only done so he could die in the comfort of his home and he will die "within weeks".

It should be noted that the low rent Examiner had Graham's "final wish" back in May 2010 and his final message to America back just before Christmas. Usually, I would think a recently hospitalized 92 year old probably is getting close to the end, but when you realize he is both young and in better condition than Zsa Zsa Gabor.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Diana Ross will raise Michael Jackson's kids.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, 2011 edition, Diana Ross! The low rent Examiner writes that the pop diva has agreed to take care of Michael Jackson's children.

Does Miss Ross strike you as maternal? Yeah, me neither.

Did Miss Ross strike you? Call the tabloids, they would love to hear about it.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Cher collapses after Chaz releases tell-all book.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 May 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids really don't like Cher very much, and they aren't crazy about her son Chaz either. Supposedly, the diva has collapsed due to things written in Chaz's tell all book.

I don't believe it. Collapsing over the critical reception for Burlesque, that I could believe.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Did a mob boss kill Marilyn Monroe?

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Here's a little surprise to me. This is the first story in a year and a half where Marilyn Monroe is the main character. In earlier stories, she came on to Elizabeth Taylor and Jackie Kennedy wrote about how heartbroken she was when she found out Jack cheated with Marilyn, but in this "what if?" story, she actually gets top bill as the possible target of a mob hit.

Still, for someone who has been dead for nearly fifty years, the gossip rags still use her name and face to sell magazines, which puts her in rare company.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Dick Van Dyke had a crush on Mary Tyler Moore.

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

The Globe says that Dick Van Dyke will be producing that most inportant of artifacts in the gossip world, the tell all book. In it, he admits he had a serious crush on his co-star Mary Tyler Moore.

Hey, buddy! Get in line! I mean, back then, who didn't?

Then again, he did play her husband for five seasons. I guess he should be at the front of the line.

Breaking news: Jackie Cooper dead at 88

Jackie Cooper, the child star from the 1930s who went on to a long career in front of the camera and behind it, has died at the age of 88 after a brief illness. The tabloids did not predict his death, but since he was a TV star, I expect either the Globe or the low rent Examiner will have a cover story about him next week.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: The Examiner calls two beloved stars sluts.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 9 May 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The low rent Examiner has two stars from way back in the day on their cover this week, letting both the Old Timers and the young people know that odd and/or trashy behavior was neither invented nor perfected by Paris Hilton or Britney Spears.

Here is the trash they talk about Shirley MacLaine. She bedded three world leaders and has seen UFOs over her home.

Here's the dirt on Barbara Eden. They tell how she dumped Elvis, Desi Arnaz and Tom Jones. They also say she was kicked by an ex-husband.

Stay classy, low rent Examiner!