Least interesting cover story of the week: Justin and Jessica dating again!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Us Weekly has a headline with no artwork, so I don't include a picture either. In this case, I think they don't have artwork not to be cheap, but to have kind of a "guess who?" situation. When they write "Justin and Jessica dating again!", you have to ask "Which Justin?" and "Which Jessica?"

These are very popular names in the gossip world.

We can eliminate Justin Theroux and Justin Bieber, since neither of them has a particularly famous ex-girlfriend. This leaves us with Justin Timberlake, who has squired many well known women, but the most obviously Jessica would be Jessica Biel in this case.

No need to be amazed, Watson. It was elementary.

Love Bird Alert™ and hussy alert: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Star, In Touch
Date: 11 July 2011

Eventually, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will be together long enough to have a nice picture of them together. As it stands, they are always being photobombed in one way or another. (The person you can see who seems to be annoying them is Jason Sudelkis.)

In any case, there are three stories in the supermaket rags about them this week. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen & Justin Romantic NYC weekend
• In Touch: Justin & Jen talking marriage
• Star: Justin & Jen: his jilted ex speaks out

Ah, the good old predictable Star. No punch bowl is complete unless there's a turd in it.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

Jennifer Aniston's love life is still an evergreen story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and now that they all agree she has a new fella, expect her to get cover stories all throughout the summer. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen's romance heats up
• OK!: Jen & Justin engagement news
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen: "I am not a home wrecker!"
• Us Weekly: How Jen stole her man
  They're wearing matching rings and he's moved in - Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to find her new love?

A couple notes. People avoids the homewrecker angle on the cover. They use the phrase "heats up" a lot. A few months back, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis were "heating up", and you can see how much that means.

OK!, the magazine that jumps the gun in nearly every situation, already has them engaged. The other two are just being mean.

I said that Jen's love life is a favorite story in the gossip rags and obviously it is, but it's also obvious that she is interesting because her life brushed up against Angelina Jolie, the Most Interesting Woman In The World as far as the gossip industry is concerned. Us Weekly reminds us of this obvious fact in the headline, mentioning Angie when she is nowhere near this story.

Love Bird Alert™: Chris Brown and Rihanna hook up!

Publication: Star
Date: 30 June 2011

If we are to believe Star, always a risky proposition, Chris Brown, the pop singer who became the exactly wrong kind of super famous for beating up his then girlfriend Rihanna, has "hooked up" with her again in the recent past.

Just for the record, when the young people say "hook up", they don't mean get together for a cup of coffee.

All this week's news about Pippa Middleton

Publications: Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

I thought Pippa Middleton was going to be a flash in the pan, especially here in the United States after the wedding was over, but the editors of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have other ideas. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Harry & Pippa! Their love secrets
  As rumors swirl of a secret date between Harry & Pippa, she leaves her boyfriend and steps out with secret royal
• Weekly Life & Style: Pippa upgrades to a millionaire
• In Touch: Pippa & Harry Secret Date!

According to British sources, she hasn't left her longtime boyfriend Alex Loudon, a guy who hasn't made it to the covers of the American gossip rags yet.

Love Bird Alert™ with a side order of hairdresser: Jen and Justin move forward!

Publications: National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

More stories about Jen and Justin. Us Weekly called them "Justifer" on their website. I pray to Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus that doesn't catch on. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Jen & Justin moving in!
• OK!: Jen & Justin: Moving too fast!
• National Enquirer: Jen discovers new boyfriend's gay secret
  

Do you notice a subtle difference in the editorial choices? I thought you might.

Love Bird Alert™: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis: It's on!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

Who is Justin Timberlake shagging this week? If we accept this story in Weekly Life & Style and their public groping at the MTV Movie Awards last week, he's shagging Mila Kunis.

Of course, they have a movie called Friends With Benefits coming out next month, so this all could just be Planted Crap.

Love Bird Alert™: Stories of wedded bliss about Wills'N'Kate.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

Two stories about the Royal Couple this week, neither of them in the mean magazines owned by AMI, so both have a positive spin. Here are the headlines.

• People: Kate & Will - The newlyweds step out!
• Us Weekly: Their new home! Will & Kate's Royal Life
  

Love Bird Alert™: More about Justin and Jen!

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 20 June 2011

Right now, all the supermarket rags are in agreement that Jennifer Aniston is dating Justin Theroux. In Touch and Star both have headlines about America's favorite spinster.

• In Touch: Pal lashes out: "Jen's a homewrecker!"
• Star: Jen & Justin move in!

It is a slight surprise that the meaner story is in the magazine NOT part of the AMI kennel, but even in the supermarket rags there is a surprise every now and then.

Love Bird Alert™: How Leo won Blake's heart.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 13 June 2011

There were three stories about new couple Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively last week. There is only one this week. Here are the headlines.

• Candlelit dinners, helicopter rides and a private yacht
• DiCaprio pulls out all the stops to woo his sexy crush
  
  

Love Bird Alert™?: Justin and Ashley SHOCKING new couple?

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 13 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell 2011, Ashley Olsen! The twins from Full House are sitting on a pile of cash, but they still manage to look miserable and possibly drug-addled in every picture I see of them. For a change of pace, Ashley is romantically linked with all-star man slut Justin Timberlake, though his publicist has already denied it.

Even Us Weekly showed they didn't completely buy the story, putting a question mark on it and calling the couple "shocking". My read of the situation is that after breaking up with Britney, Justin swore off steaming hot messes and instead prefers women who are just steaming hot.

There are boatloads of them in Hollywood.

Love Bird Alert™?: Jen and Brad's emotional reunion!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 June 2011

The supermarket rags never tire of America's favorite spinster, Jennifer Aniston. While most of the stories over the past few weeks have focused on her new fella Justin Theroux, In Touch spins a tale about the big fish that got away, Brad Pitt. Here are the headlines.

• Betraying Angelina, Brad pours his heart out to Jen on May 18
• Plus: the expensive gift he bought her and their plan to meet again
  
  

Love Bird Alert™: Rob and Kristen living like newlyweds.

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 June 2011

OK!, the nicest of the gossip rags if not the most reliable, wants us to know the real life romance of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is going along swimmingly.

If they break up some short while after the last of the Twilight movies becomes available on DVD, I for one will not be surprised.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Scarlett trapped in Sean's dirty divorce.

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 6 June 2011

Star writes that Scarlett Johansson is trapped inside Sean Penn's divorce proceedings. In point of fact, the divorce from Robin Wright Penn was finalized last August, so she's really trapped in a nasty post-divorce situation.

I've been so creeped out by this story, I didn't do the math for the Sophisticated French Rule, which says that an older person may date a younger person if the younger party is more than half the elder's age plus seven. Sean Penn is 50 and Scarlett Johansson is 26, so this is a massive fail of the Sophisticated French Rule. To give you an idea of how bad this is, ten years from now when he is 60 and she is 36, she's still too young for him.

Ick.

Love Bird Alert™: Teen Mom Leah dating her ex's friend

Publication: In Touch

Date: 6 June 2011

Regular readers will know that I consider Teen Mom the plague that did not pass over. Thankfully, there is only one story about these stupid young women on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, a story about Leah dating the ex of a friend of hers.

Unless there is some flurry of stories about real celebrities, with Arnold and Maria are the best candidates currently, some Teen Mom is very likely to be in the top ten celebrities for 2011 for the foreseeable future.

Love Bird Alert™: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Justin Theroux! He is Jennifer Aniston's co-star in the movie Wanderlust, set to be released this fall, and allegedly they are a couple.

Recall that Jennifer was also supposed to be a couple with Gerard Butler last year, her co-star in The Bounty Hunter.

In any case, here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Jen's new man: Trash collector!
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen and co-star Justin Theroux: "She's fantastic"

I'm pretty sure the In Touch headline is some play on words, but as usual I didn't open the magazine to check.

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, I should wish the happy couple all the best, but it's kind of like hoping Lucy will finally let Charlie Brown kick the football or really believing the Cubs are going to go all the way this year.

Adults shouldn't allow themselves to believe such silliness.

Love Bird Alert™: Are Justin and Olivia dating?

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 30 May 2011

Last month, Us Weekly said Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde had a sexy date, but now they put a question mark on it.

If we can believe the stories about him, it's an absolute certainty Justin is dating somebody, but I have to say if nobody is dating Olivia Wilde, that would be just wrong. She is freaking adorable.

Love Bird Alert™: Sandra's new man.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 23 May 2011

Since she is not wearing a wedding ring, Sandra Bullock's love life is still an important topic to the gossip rags. Weekly Life & Style says she has a new fella on the cover of this week's mag, but doesn't name him or provide a picture.

This usually means he isn't nearly as famous as she is.

Love Bird Alert™: Wills'N'Kate's sexy royal honeymoon.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

The royal wedding is still echoing in the halls of the gossip world, but there is only one story about Wills'N'Kate their own bad selves.

OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the gossip rags, says they are having a sexy honeymoon. For once, I believe OK!

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Dick Van Dyke had a crush on Mary Tyler Moore.

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

The Globe says that Dick Van Dyke will be producing that most inportant of artifacts in the gossip world, the tell all book. In it, he admits he had a serious crush on his co-star Mary Tyler Moore.

Hey, buddy! Get in line! I mean, back then, who didn't?

Then again, he did play her husband for five seasons. I guess he should be at the front of the line.