Farewell Peter Falk.

Publications: People, Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Peter Falk died last Friday, which gives the Only Ten Magazines That Matter plenty of time to consider whether to put him on the cover or not. People did something tasteful and the Globe didn't.

Quelle surprise.

Here are the headlines.

• People: Farewell Peter Falk
• Globe: Peter Falk - Tragic death secret
  Torment & hatred that drove Columbo star to his grave

Best wishes to the family and friends of Peter Falk, from a fan.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? What Diana would look like at 50.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

A lot of the American supermarket gossip rags are run by Brits who think we are WAY more interested in British royalty than we actually are. Somebody has decided to use some age advancement software on pictures of Princess Diana to give an idea of what she would look like now at the age of 50.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Secret James Arness took with him to the grave.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! James Arness died last Wednesday, and not surprisingly, one of the rags specializing in Hey Old Timer Gossip has to tell us about a secret he took to the grave.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? What killed Jeff Conaway?

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

People did not put a tribute to Jeff Conaway on the cover, but the Globe does the next best thing and questions the cause of his death.

Stay classy, Globe!

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Gary Coleman still not laid to rest.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 6 June 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Gary Coleman. Not unlike the story of the remains of James Brown, there is some dispute among his survivors about what to do with Gary Coleman's remains, according to the low rent Examiner.

This helps Gary stay near the top of list of favorite dead people in the tabloids, comfortably ahead of Osama Bin Laden but still trailing Princess Diana, Michael Jackson and Nostradamus.

Meanest Story nominee: Secret autopsy reveals foul play in the death of Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

It's been two months since Miss Elizabeth Taylor died, but she is still one of the most popular gossip topics of 2011 for The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. The Globe is re-hashing the story that foul play might have been involved in her death, this time telling us there was a "secret autopsy".

Best wishes as always to the family and friends of Miss Taylor, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Hairdresser Alert™: Bin Laden's secret gay life.

Publication: Globe
Date: 30 May 2011

The Globe says Osama Bin Laden had a secret gay life. Before this, the only clue was when the Weekly World News announced his marriage to Kim Jong Il.

Bin Laden was not a hot gossip topic before he died, but the AMI kennel is going to town on him now. Just a few more stories and he'll be up there with Liz Taylor and Gary Coleman as a top dead celebrity.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Did a mob boss kill Marilyn Monroe?

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Here's a little surprise to me. This is the first story in a year and a half where Marilyn Monroe is the main character. In earlier stories, she came on to Elizabeth Taylor and Jackie Kennedy wrote about how heartbroken she was when she found out Jack cheated with Marilyn, but in this "what if?" story, she actually gets top bill as the possible target of a mob hit.

Still, for someone who has been dead for nearly fifty years, the gossip rags still use her name and face to sell magazines, which puts her in rare company.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Tony Curtis cuts kids out of $60 million will.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe and low rent Examiner, someone being dead is no reason they can't appear on the cover of a gossip rag. As often happens with the two Wicked Step Sisters who love the Hey Old Timer gossip, we get a story about a dispute over the will. In the case of Tony Curtis, this dispute becomes a cover story seven months after his death.

The lawyers must be piling up the billable hours big time.

Meanest Story nominee: JFK Jr. murdered by same killers as his father!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

The low rent Examiner presents us with a conspiracy theory I've never heard before, claiming that John F. Kennedy Jr.'s plane crash was not an accident and that it was engineered by the same people who killed his father. The sub-headline reads "Plane sabotaged to hide the truth!"

Without question, this yarn should only be attempted by people who have a degree in advanced corpse kicking.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Who killed JFK?

Publication: Sun
Date: 25 April 2011

Things are topsy turvy on the cover of the Sun this week. It was the Weekly World News that had a story about the End of the World, which is usually the exclusive property of the Sun itself, while the Sun had a headline about who killed JFK (as usual, not Lee Harvey Oswald, because how would that be news?).

JFK stories are usually in the Globe or the low rent Examiner, the major suppliers of Hey Old Timer Gossip, which I count as stories about people famous before I graduated high school back in the early 1970s.

Go figure.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Miss Elizabeth Taylor's family war explodes!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 April 2011

You might have thought that dying would make Miss Elizabeth Taylor less interesting to the supermarket gossip rags.

You might have thought that, but you would have been wrong. The Globe wants us to know about the brouhaha over the fortune she left behind. Here are the sub-headlines.

• War over her $1 billion fortune!
• Armed guards surround treasure-filled mansion!
• Estate on lockdown!
• Win! Liz's autographed books & photos worth $$$

Well of course it's on lockdown! Those light-fingered villains from the Globe are making off with autographed books & photos worth $$$!

I swear, they will take the pennies covering your corpse's eyes if nobody is watching.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Miss Elizabeth Taylor's secret lover tells all!

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 April 2011

Miss Elizabeth Taylor may be gone, but in the gossip rags she is not forgotten just yet. The Globe says they have information from a secret lover who will tell all. No identification of the coward is given on the cover, and I refuse to open these rags up except in the most dire situations, which does not include this one.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Miss Elizabeth Taylor's tell all book!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 April 2011

You might think the gossip rags would lose interest in Miss Elizabeth Taylor now that she's dead, but that would be a miscalculation, especially with the Globe and the low rent Examiner, who revel in Hey Old Timer Gossip. The low rent Examiner says that Miss Taylor left behind that most valuable commodity in the gossip world, the tell all book. The main juicy tidbit from this alleged tome is that Miss Taylor had a secret gay love life.

If what they mean is gays secretly loved Liz Taylor, well... that's not really a secret, is it?

Meanest Story nominee: Glenn Ford was a drunken wife beater.

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 April 2011

Welcome to 2011 gossip hell, the ghost of Glenn Ford! The Globe does a little corpse kicking and some serious Hey Old Timer Gossip, since Glenn was first famous not when I was in high school but when my parents were in still in grade school.

The story is that Glenn's son has published that favorite object of tabloid existence, the tell all book, and he's dragging his dad's name through the mud, saying he was a drunken wife beater.

(Note: the woman in not Glenn Ford's wife, but an actress. I think it's Erin Gray.)

This is nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Miss Elizabeth Taylor's secret diaries.

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Today is reserved for the cover stories in the supermarket rags about Miss Elizabeth Taylor, who died a week ago Wednesday. The Globe says they have their hands on Miss Taylor's secret diaries. They promise 20 pages of coverage inside, and put these teaser headlines on the cover.

• Marilyn Monroe seduced her
• two husbands beat her
• her steamy tryst with JFK
• Deathbed scene, last photo, final words
  

Best wishes to the family and friends of Miss Elizabeth Taylor, from a fan.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?: Sirhan Sirhan claims CIA brainwashed him into killing RFK.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 April 2011

I have recently commended the low rent Examiner on a new kinder and gentler editorial policy. To be clear, they haven't gone all sweetness and light, but they are not going to finish this review period in a virtual tie for meanest tabloid, as they are falling behind their richer Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe and the Enquirer.

For example, there is nothing nice about this story that Sirhan Sirhan is now claiming it was the CIA that brainwashed him into killing Robert F. Kennedy back in 1968.

And more than that, there's probably nothing true about it either, other than being Sirhan's current claim communicated through his lawyer earlier this month.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? Johnny Cash grave shocker!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 March 2011

It's been nearly a year since the last time the low rent Examiner wrote an unflattering story about Johnny Cash. Since The Man In Black has been dead for seven and a half years, it's understandable that he might not be the hot gossip topic he once was.

I used the same picture last year when the low rent Examiner wrote trash about the country legend, and I see no reason not to use the same picture now.

Here's a simple rule written in rhyme.

Don't talk trash about Johnny Cash.